“Sometimes you must shatter
in order to decide
which pieces of yourself to keep
and which to leave behind.”
I’ve been quiet for a long time.
I pulled away from Twitter in March. I slowly pulled away over the summer from posting on Facebook and Instagram. I stopped replying to messages. A complete social media hiatus.
But, I’ve been silent longer in many other ways.
I stopped writing like I used to. I’d start, and then stop. I deleted so many drafts.
Falling For His Best Man is the last book I published back in August 2019. I currently have more unfinished writing projects because I started to struggle with depression from an accumulated amount of stress in my life along with a lot of self-doubt. I was burnt out trying to help everyone around me when I neglected to ask for help myself.
The thoughts going through my mind weren’t the usual thoughts all writer’s suffer from constantly. “This scene is a dumpster fire. Delete this chapter because it’s crap.”
It was, “I’m a failure. I can’t do anything right. I can’t get away from this heartache and all the stress. I just want the pain to stop. I just want to escape.”
I struggled privately with suicidal thoughts after I published my last book. So much had piled up inside of me that I didn’t know how to even sort through the clutter of it. After my friend died of suicide in 2017, I had mentally convinced myself that if I just kept sprinting forward that the grief and shock would eventually lessen. Because time is considered to be the greatest healer of all wounds– mental and physical. When my was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and was deemed terminal, I realized that I couldn’t outrun the grief and despair. I’d cry for hours at night. I would walk around and hope for a fight because it’d give my anger the opportunity to unleash. My engine was swamped and all I wanted to do was tie an anchor to my feet and let it pull me down to the bottom.
I put so much pressure on myself to achieve all these goals that I pushed away the reason why I had stepped away from my career as a freelance ghostwriter: to actually enjoy the writing process. To fall in love with every word and character. To feel that stab of giddy happiness when doing a final read through. Not detached and rushed because I’m trying to make a tight deadline.
So, I took a step back to focus on myself and re-align again. I knew I couldn’t give readers a book they could use to escape when I wasn’t capable of doing that for myself.
Prior to the pandemic, my boyfriend and I had decided it was time to focus on our relationship and protect our private bubble from outside influences. 2020 was the year we took chairs from our table. It was the year we put up boundaries and it turned out to be the best thing we did for not only our relationship, but for ourselves, too.
While writing this, I’m listening to the Sims 4 soundtrack because I’m a weird 90’s kid who still loves their music. I’m also 27k deep in Finding Sage. I’m nearly 12k in One Night Won’t Hurt. I’ve barely scratched the surface of Nowhere To Go at 5k, but progress is progress.
I can’t wait to share these stories with you all. I hope you all love them as much as I’ve loved writing them so far. I am very hopeful to have at least two of this releases available no later than January 2021.
I can’t say that I regret my social media and writing hiatus completely. It gave me a lot of time to think about what I want to do going forward, but a chance to really sit down and plot out stories. But, I am sorry to those of you who are reading this and wondered what happened. I am in very good place mentally now, so I am hopeful going forward that I can return back to giving you all stories that I’ve written fully engaged and with lots of love.
So, if you’re interested in reading what I’ve been up to recently, I will be posting Chapter One for Finding Sage, One Night Won’t Hurt, and Nowhere To Go this Friday.